A Man: A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better
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No relationship is just comprised of two people. If you’re in a relationship, I bet you thought it was just you and the other person you’re dating. It turns out that there are fifty-leven people inside the relationship. Here’s a discussion about some of those people, from two people who have been there.
Warning: This ain’t politically correct; this might offend our personal connects.
A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better?
Rahiel: The MITH serves a great purpose: his presence will quickly humble an arrogant brotha in need of having his pride checked. If there’s a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women, The MITH will serve to constantly remind him that the competition (taking place in her head) has him fighting a losing battle. This is perhaps the only man in the world who may be motivated to be better as a result of The MITH. His ego will keep him fighting to stay afloat long after his love (or lust) has evaporated.
But let’s just say that we’re dating a decent brotha who’s trying his best but falls short at times (that whole human factor), then does he deserve to feel like nothing he does is ever going to be enough? Is it fair to set an impossible standard that undermines all of his best efforts? What are all the great qualities that he possesses that we may be overlooking because The MITH has created so many blind spots? In short, I would argue that The MITH is a barrier that prevents us from 1) seeing ourselves for who we really are, 2) having realistic expectations, 3) appreciating what we have vs. focusing on what we don’t, 4) being able to distinguish between wants and needs, and 5) loving our man unconditionally.
Panama: Not only is that dude a distraction, he’s likely to be the man who’s going to push the one she’s actually dating out of the door. One of the first things couples’ counselors do upon meeting a couple is determining who the couple really is. It’s a telling process because he or she tends to be able to size up fairly quickly exactly who the people are… something that’s hard to do inside the confines of a relationship. It’s not unlikely to hear, “Well, Tina, that’s not who he was or what attracted you to him in the first place.” To which Tina replies, “So, I figured he’d grow up or change at some point.” Change into the man she thinks she deserves is what she’s saying. Interesting how that works.
I don’t think most men view their potential mates in terms of what they deserve so much as what they want. Now, the truth is, she could motivate her man to be great if she’d acknowledge that he isn’t there yet and encourage him to do things better. Men are simple. We’re like dogs: treats go a long way. If you keep barking orders and scolding me, I’m going to bite back and gladly go next door to the owner whose mentality is, “He’s a dog, so I’ll work with him because that’s what dogs need.”
Happily Ever After Possible for the Two?
Rahiel: “The MITH” and “The Ideal Woman” always live happily ever after - in the fantasy world in which they both exist. It only took me three decades to figure that out. The older I get - the more I realize that relationships are rocky terrain. A constant roller coaster ride full of misunderstandings, mistakes and regrets. They hurt, and they often disappoint. But as long as you didn’t find “love in a hopeless place” of abuse, imbalance, and chaos, as Rihanna’s We Found Love video depicts, then there’s always hope. As a matter of fact, there’s infinite possibility if the relationship is rooted in all the right things. I hope you know that love and intimacy are so worth it!
Here are some marching orders if you have a keeper: 1) Allow yourself to vulnerably embrace and celebrate that someone who speaks your same language. That someone who shares your vision of what a quality life looks like and wants to journey with you in experiencing it. 2) Commit yourself to accepting and unconditionally loving what you do and don’t like about them. 3) Challenge them to be better out of love and not judgment, allowing them to do the same for you. 4) Understand that love is a decision and vow to stay as long as it’s healthy – no matter how tempting it may be to give up. 5) Never take one another for granted – no matter how monotonous life may get. Stay passionate because it goes a long way, but be purpose-driven because it matters the most. 6) Be realistic about the person and relationship, but idealistic about the power of your love. 7) Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways submit to God (Proverbs 3:5-6). Love has so much to do with surrender and sacrifice that both individuals should recognize that it's going to take a power greater than their own human strength to learn how to love one another fully and unconditionally.
Panama: It’s totally possible for the man in her head and the ideal woman she thinks she is to work. That couple is perfect in every way. They communicate on everything and make all decisions in a democratic manner and spend all the necessary time together and he rubs her feet because he likes to do that and she cooks dinner every night because she likes to do that. The only problem is that those two individuals are fictional. Real people have real issues they bring to the table eight days a week. She doesn’t feel like cooking in real life because she had to work too. Why doesn’t he cook more? He doesn’t want to rub her feet because he hates feet, but he should love her feet because they’re hers, right? And newsflash, we (men) all hate The Notebook. A lot.
I think the only way for relationships to truly work is for both people involved to come to terms with who they are individually – both strengths and weaknesses – and be willing to honestly speak on those issues with their partner who is more concerned with who they’re dating than the one they think they should be dating. Basically, to be together, you have to let pride go and accept not being perfect. But if two people who have done that can work together towards being perfect in a 10-0 football-season-way as opposed to an individual paragon of excellence, then sure. God didn’t make people to be perfect. He made people to learn and grow. He created people with the ability to come to the understanding that perfection, while a goal, is unattainable. But if you focus on the things that matter, you can create an altered version of perfect that really just sounds a lot like happiness.
“I will bring you a whole person, and you will bring me a whole person, and we will have ourselves twice as much of love and everything.” –Mari Evans
Do you agree or disagree? Is it possible for couples to make it in spite of the MITH and The Man He Ain't or do both have to be completely removed from the relationship?